Opinion

Miami to be nuked as part of improvement plan

After a City Council vote yesterday, it has been decided that the city of Miami will be nuked in 2 months. City Council members were forced to make this decision after seemingly endless complaints of traffic problems from citizens because of the current city layout. The Council decided that it would be too difficult and costly to address these problems, and the best solution would be to nuke the city and start with a clear slate.

“Things had just gotten completely out of control here, and we just couldn’t get anything straightened out,” said City Council member Luis Rodriguez. “I jokingly suggested that we should bomb the city and start over, and then everyone stopped and looked at me, and I remember Greg (Rozhen) saying, ‘Maybe there’s really something to be said for that,’ and well, here we are today.”

“We’re really hoping that we can make a real, worthwhile city after we’ve nuked Miami,” commented Jake Reynolds, a civil engineer who has been hired as a specialist for the rebuilding process of the city after it’s been nuked. “We plan on making roads that actually go to places that people want to go. After studying some layouts of other cities, we came up with something that we’re really putting a lot of stock into: multiple roads that lead to places that people actually need to go.

‘What we’re hoping for with that idea is that having these multiple roads will allow traffic to spread out among them, and not just congest and clot on the one main road. It really seems like it works in these other cities, so I don’t see why that wouldn’t work here.”

While many city officials remain optimistic about the future of Miami after it’s been nuked, others were not as thrilled. “From my understanding of it, nuking a city could potentially have some dangerous side effects,” said Julia Winters, a council member who voted against the plan. “I’ve been reading up on it, and a lot of books toss around terms like ‘nuclear fall-out’ and ‘deadly radiation levels’ that I don’t think will aid in our rebuilding process.”

“It’s a little known fact, but they’ve actually tried doing this elsewhere and it didn’t quite work out as planned,” said Ponce de Leon Junior High School history teacher Jason Dominguez. “Back around the tail end of World War II, Japan had this same sort of idea and asked us, since we had developed nuclear technology, if we could help them out. From what I understand, they really regretted that decision afterwards.”

Good or bad, right or wrong, the city of Miami is now set to be nuked now in two months, although many members believe that a revote will come up on the motion.

This remains to be seen.

Jay Wetzel can be contacted at jayw@miami.edu.

February 10, 2004

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The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami


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