Donna Shalala is doing her best to act like a car salesman when it comes to bilking prominent residents and alumni to build futuristic looking buildings for a university that his too little space to expand. Now I know getting a few million dollars is easy to get. But I think you should consider other possibilities to raise that $1.2 billion.
One of them includes monopolizing the drug cartel shipments that come into the ports of downtown Miami. I think the University of Miami needs to hook up with Salvatore “Sammy the Bull” Gravano and John Gotti Jr. to assemble an army to attack all the warlords who are running the cocaine and heroin shipments. Drugs count for billions of dollars a year and I think the University of Miami Medical School can scrap together enough money to pay off all the state and federal politicians not to look into their activities.
Well since you folks do not want any bloodshed or dead bodies all around campus, why not you turn the upstairs of the UC Breezeway into a casino at night. I think you will benefit tremendously if you can dig up Bugsy Siegel’s grave and clone him so he can come back and make a gambling joint for you guys. He was the first guy to make Las Vegas into what it is today. His motto, “Bigger Pay Means Longer Play” means that you will go broke.
While this idea will not make a billion dollars, a few million could be nice. Why not put spy cameras in the freshman towers and go online and offer the public voyeuristic cameras of college students. You could see lots of eighteen and nineteen year olds showering and changing clothes. I am pretty sure that people all over the world would pay to see that.
Finally, if you want to raise tuition, why not we slash a few departments at the University of Miami. I know you guys already heard my rants about the nursing place. What about the Pre-Professional advisors? They don’t really tell you anything useful or important. If you want to get into law, dentistry, or medicine, just figure it out for yourselves. Or, if worst comes to worse, go to Medical or Dental School in Guadalajara, Mexico.
Seth Bleicher can be contacted at email@example.com.