Opinion

The Miami New Times: They are a changin’!

Since I moved to Miami from a small town in Texas over a year ago, I have had little problems when it came to meeting all the wrong people. I want you guys to take my advice so you can make better decisions in the future wherever your journeys will take you.

First, for a little romance, I decided to put in ad in the New Times, a weekly newspaper by the Miami Herald [Ed. Note: The Miami Herald prints Street, not New Times]. It did seem like a good idea, except that no woman would ever respond to the following. And I quote: “Some schizophrenic guy looking for a woman who is Eskimo, has inverted nipples, a square-looking ass, small head, and has no knowledge whatsoever of the U.S. legal system. I have many diseases and my father always told me to share the wealth. Interesting people need not reply.” Well, I did not find my soul mate. But I almost got one. But she was a smoker. I prefer a nonsmoker.

Now, I am a guy who enjoys the occasional massage. I thought about going to a massage parlor where I can find licensed professionals. But instead, I went searching into the New Times again to find another unfortunate adventure.

In the ad was someone named Sierra. She offered great sensual massages for a low price. I immediately thought that she could do a great job. But I ended up with two problems. First, why was it important that she was a transvestite? Was there any important relevance in that she was a she-male? And when I came to the massage session, she used her mouth on only one area of my body. I was outraged. I called the Better Business Bureau and complained. For some reason, the guy on the other line was laughing his ass off and I really got insulted and hung up.

Finally, since I’m new to Miami, I needed a clean place to stay for a cheaper price. So I contacted a guy about a roommate. The problem is that another guy lives there and they wanted another person to play. I immediately thought they meant playing basketball. I figured it did not matter so I went to their apartment to live peacefully. But after a week, these guys would frequently come into my room naked as I was sleeping. They asked if I wanted to brush my teeth with them. I immediately left them. I cannot stand people with bad teeth.

I hope you guys learn my lessons if you actually think I’m not joking.

Seth Bleicher can be contacted at sethbleicher@yahoo.com.

November 4, 2003

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The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami


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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.