Opinion

The Miami New Times: They are a changin’!

Since I moved to Miami from a small town in Texas over a year ago, I have had little problems when it came to meeting all the wrong people. I want you guys to take my advice so you can make better decisions in the future wherever your journeys will take you.

First, for a little romance, I decided to put in ad in the New Times, a weekly newspaper by the Miami Herald [Ed. Note: The Miami Herald prints Street, not New Times]. It did seem like a good idea, except that no woman would ever respond to the following. And I quote: “Some schizophrenic guy looking for a woman who is Eskimo, has inverted nipples, a square-looking ass, small head, and has no knowledge whatsoever of the U.S. legal system. I have many diseases and my father always told me to share the wealth. Interesting people need not reply.” Well, I did not find my soul mate. But I almost got one. But she was a smoker. I prefer a nonsmoker.

Now, I am a guy who enjoys the occasional massage. I thought about going to a massage parlor where I can find licensed professionals. But instead, I went searching into the New Times again to find another unfortunate adventure.

In the ad was someone named Sierra. She offered great sensual massages for a low price. I immediately thought that she could do a great job. But I ended up with two problems. First, why was it important that she was a transvestite? Was there any important relevance in that she was a she-male? And when I came to the massage session, she used her mouth on only one area of my body. I was outraged. I called the Better Business Bureau and complained. For some reason, the guy on the other line was laughing his ass off and I really got insulted and hung up.

Finally, since I’m new to Miami, I needed a clean place to stay for a cheaper price. So I contacted a guy about a roommate. The problem is that another guy lives there and they wanted another person to play. I immediately thought they meant playing basketball. I figured it did not matter so I went to their apartment to live peacefully. But after a week, these guys would frequently come into my room naked as I was sleeping. They asked if I wanted to brush my teeth with them. I immediately left them. I cannot stand people with bad teeth.

I hope you guys learn my lessons if you actually think I’m not joking.

Seth Bleicher can be contacted at sethbleicher@yahoo.com.

November 4, 2003

Reporters

The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

The attorneys for University of Miami men’s basketball coach Jim Larrañaga expect indictments to be ...

Few could have imagined this scenario coming into Saturday’s University of Miami football game at ho ...

Alex Cora’s success hasn’t surprised Miami Hurricanes baseball coach Jim Morris. Cora, according to ...

A six-pack of Canes notes on a Thursday: • Defensive coordinator Manny Diaz has an interesting theor ...

Get ready for an avalanche of University of Miami defensive backs and linemen descending on the Hard ...

Univeristy of Miami’s Wynwood Art Gallery holds its annual faculty exhibition featuring thought-prov ...

From a game simulating how whales navigate to a tribute to Ella Fitzgerald, the U showcased some of ...

A new mobile game called Blues and Reds, now available worldwide, aims to help researchers study int ...

A major Lancet Commission report, a three-year project headed by UM’s Professor Felicia Knaul and co ...

With a $6.8 million NIH grant, the UM School of Nursing and Health Studies and FIU Robert Stempel Co ...

The Miami soccer team will conclude its 2017 home slate Sunday against Notre Dame and recognize its ...

The Miami soccer team registered a 3-0 victory over Pittsburgh Thursday night at Cobb Stadium behind ...

As a Hurricane Club member, you are invited to participate in the 25th Annual University of Miami Ha ...

Five members of the Miami women's tennis team will open play Friday at the ITA Southeast Region ...

Here are three matchups to watch Saturday as the Hurricanes take on the Syracuse Orange at Hard Rock ...

TMH Twitter Feed
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.