One of the features of contemporary politics is the whiner. You know them. Whomever is unhappy with the results of an election goes on television and bemoans the fact that it just isn’t fair that they lost; that they had the most righteous issues and it just doesn’t make sense that the voters didn’t see it that way. The first time I can recall such behavior is in the aftermath of the 1984 Reagan landslide. Oh, how could this be? Ronald Reagan is not in touch with voters like we are? And yet he won. And so they whined on, stopping briefly in 1986 to take back control of the US Senate. The whining resumed again in earnest in 1988 after Michael Dukakis provided the Democrats with their third presidential loss in a row.
Never fear my whine-inclined schoolmates, a bright spot loomed on the horizon. In 1992 there came forth a man of Hope who stood before them and said, ‘Whine NOT! It’s the economy stupid!’ And the whining ceased and the God Roosevelt looked down from the leftist heavens and saw this and knew that it was good. And this man of Hope sent Poppy packing and then the Republicans began to whine. ‘Oh whoa is me, they’ve elected a man of Hope with no morality! OH God WHY?!’ And this led to the Ascent of a woman named Hillary and an attempt to establish a Healthcare Industrial Complex.
And then a man named Newton Leroy came forth and looked upon the faces of his GOP brethren and proclaimed, ‘Whine NOT! That’s not in the Contract with America!’ And the whining stopped long enough to take the Senate and end the 40-plus-year reign of terror in the House. And Tom, Dick, and Harry (Daschle, Gephardt, and Reid, that is) were sad. They whined, ‘Those damn evil Republicans feeding dog food to old people!’ The man from Hope however, was not swayed. He said, ‘Back at you, dog food feeders,’ and he reigned supreme once more. And in 1998, their whining led to the breaking of convention and 9 more Democrats in the House and one resigned Speaker.
Five years later, the whine is back on the other foot and the Republicans are on top. So, you practitioners of left-wing zealotry, whine on… its music to my ears.
Scott Wacholtz is a senior majoring in political science. If you need to reach him contact email@example.com. If you need to whine, contact the operator.