Opinion

More on Cane booty shorts, more money for UM

If anyone actually read this newspaper last year, then you might know that I wrote an article on those cute cheerleading shorts that girls love to wear. Obviously, the University of Miami is always looking for more products to sell in order to make money. Well, I could say, “Get a pen and paper to write this down.” But for some reason, it may not be necessary. It’s already written down.
First, take the “E” out of “CANES” and it will tell us what we are looking at. I think there ought to be at least a little truth in advertising. After all, we see women’s “CANS.” It shouldn’t be “CANES” because we see “CANS.” The word “CANES” is what results afterwards….
Or, for you prevent-rape people, how about charging your shorts with ten thousand watts of electric energy to deter some predators. You will never know when you just might need those shorts to SHOCK people because they got all aroused by your STUNNING behind.
If that’s not good enough for you self-defense folks, how about the shorts can say: “JAIL TIME.” “JAIL TIME” as in what you will get if you decide to even pinch that underage booty.
It would be funny if they put handprints on the cheerleading shorts. That would definitely send a strong message that someone has fondled you before. Seriously, I would think that at some point in this over-saturated market of clothing inventory in the United States, the idea of being manhandled would be popular. Of course, that is a big maybe. But in the mean time, handprints will do fine.
You could also have the shorts say: “SNEAK PREVIEW.” After all, most people are getting a glimpse of possible coming attractions.
Due to my extreme popularity, I was invited on the O’Reilly Factor on Fox News. My shorts said: “HAIR ON OTHER SIDE SHOULD BE PRESIDENT.” And O’Reilly, during a live taping, could not even believe my work. He constantly criticized me and when I came on his show, he tore me a new one. He called me a “moral degenerate” and that I need to think of families first before I sell sleazy merchandise. Afterwards, I felt bad. So, I recalled all of those cheerleading shorts and brought out a new line of cheerleading shorts. It says: “FOXY NEWS” on it.

Seth Bleicher can be contacted at sethbleicher@yahoo.com.

September 9, 2003

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The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami


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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly on Thursdays during the regular academic year.