This experimental column consists of psychical advice and some good, old-fashioned Ann Landers-esque wisdom. Significantly, our resident psychic believes that conventional horoscopes dimly represent the realities of life because the typical astrological analysis of distant stars fails to account for quantum mechanical shifts.
Predictive power increases with proximity to our own planet; that is why our resident psychic chooses to look straight into the sun for insights and good fortune. Your feedback is requested. If you seek advice, send questions in writing or via e-mail.
If you were born between Jan.1 and June 30:
Seize the opportunity to endear yourself to a mate with unexpected gift of flowers and large sums of money. Caribbean cruises unlikely. Lucky lotto picks include prime numbers and 8,432. Greek mythology provides insight. Use elevators or stairs.
If you were born between
July 1 and Dec. 31:
Avoid stray dogs.
Greetings. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for nearly a week and a half. We’ve discussed marriage, and I’m deliberating whether to offer her a ring or a baby chimpanzee for our engagement. She’s studying to be a primatologist. I seek your wisdom!
Consolidate your relationship; don’t act hastily. Start by renting Project X and Dunston Checks In. The former’s a real tearjerker, which might occasion some cuddling or mutual grooming. Express a keen interest in learning about bonobos.